alternative hippopotamus

progressive cyberdadaism from our nation’s capital

April 29, 2006

In Which I Quote Bush, and Get a Futon

by AltHippo @ 1:08 pm. Filed under Life in D.C., Bush

I wasn’t planning to post anything today. It’s one of those letter perfect days here in the nation’s capital, and the thought of doing anything as ambitious as typing out a coherent sentence or two seems all but impossible. However, I happened to run into a couple of things that you, my dear reader(s) might find amusing.

The first concerns one of hobbies: my lefty crusade to undermine the Bush administration by using their words against them. This priceless exchange is between Arbustito and someone attending his social security pep rally: (from The Truth by Al Franken, p. 210):

Bush: Mary is with us. Mary Mornin. How are you Mary?
Mornin: I’m fine.
Bush: Good. Okay, Mary, tell us about yourself.
Mornin: Okay, I’m a divorced, single mother with three grown, adult children. I have one child, Robbie, who is mentally challenged, and I have two daughters.
Bush: Fantastic.

Now, if someone told me they were a divorced single mother with a family to support (which she does on three jobs) and a mentally challenged son the one word I wouldn’t use is “fantastic.” The words that form in my conscious mind are something like: Holy crap, have you been dealt a full hand.

If anything, Mary Mornin’s story is the perfect example of life being full of things we can’t predict, and why a civilized society needs safety nets like Social Security. In the context of Bush trying to eliminate that safety net, his “fantastic” really becomes eerie.

———————————————————————-

So, I’ve been shopping for a mattress for about a year. I’ve been browsing at Anne’s Futons regularly, and finally made the plunge today. Usually I don’t like shopping in DC as I’ve found that most shops lack what I call the “Boston Hustle.” No, that’s not the name of a dance, it’s the dedication to customer service that includes things like making an effort, being knowledgeable about the product you sell, and good ole fashioned kicking butt.

My experience at Anne’s Futons went something like this:

Guy: Our futons are arranged by price and labelled for firmness. Here try a #3.
Me: That’s too firm. (I try another one) The #6 is too soft.
Guy: Try the #5.
Me: This one’s just right.

Right then, three bears walked in very upset about someone who had been eating their porridge. But, I digress. As the Guy was ringing up my new #5, he said:

Guy: Would you like it delivered this afternoon?
Me: I didn’t know that was possible (in DC).
Guy: How about between noon and 2?

Now, that was the Boston Hustle. To top it off he demonstrated his superior knowledge of his products:

Guy: Will you be sleeping with someone, or by yourself?

That sounded kind of personal to me. I just didn’t feel like I knew him well enough to answer that question. So, I said jokingly:

Me: Depends on whether I get lucky or not.
Guy: Hah, hah. The reason I ask is, if you’re sleeping with someone else then you should turn the mattress over every couple of months. Depending on if there’s a weight difference between you and the other guy.

Between me and the other what? I decided to let this slide. I was getting my mattress delivered on the same day, after all.

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7 Responses to “In Which I Quote Bush, and Get a Futon”

  1. eddie's computer Says:
    April 29th, 2006 at 3:27 pm

    Interesting perspective and commentary on the human condition. Thanks.

  2. eRobin Says:
    May 1st, 2006 at 10:03 am

    Oh my goodness. Maybe he didn’t want to presume that you were straight and so went with “guy,” which could be considered unisex. I use “Hi guys” all the time when emailing or addressing groups with women in them.

    Note to salespeople: the word you’re looking for is PERSON.

  3. KCinDC Says:
    May 1st, 2006 at 10:59 am

    It’s true that some people use “guys” in a gender-neutral way, applying it even to groups consisting of women only, but I haven’t heard singular “guy” being used that way. Have you really run into people who consider “guy” unisex?

    And what about people who sleep alone but stick to one side of the bed, perhaps in a subconscious desire to leave a space open for the future? Shouldn’t they be flipping the mattress at least as often?

  4. AltHippo Says:
    May 1st, 2006 at 11:01 am

    It was pointed out to me later that this could have just been a good ole fashioned pickup attempt.

  5. eRobin Says:
    May 1st, 2006 at 7:43 pm

    Have you really run into people who consider “guy” unisex?

    I do but that doesn’t mean anything since I mostly talk to my children.
    I’ve forgotten the social conventions that come with adult conversations.

  6. KCinDC Says:
    May 2nd, 2006 at 7:28 pm

    Ah, but above you were only talking about “guys” (plural), eRobin. That I’ve certainly heard of. But are you saying you might actually say “Who is that guy?” when the person in question is female? That would surprise me, but you’re definitely more up on what the kids are saying nowadays than I am.

  7. AltHippo Says:
    May 2nd, 2006 at 9:06 pm

    I feel a little awkward here since I’ve met both eRobin and KCinDC. Actually, all of us would have met last September, but I was being stubborn about having a cell phone. So, any miscommunication is my fault.

    More to the point, I think I was being picked up by the futon guy.

    Even more to the point, I actually ordered a futon at 11:00 am on a Saturday, and got it by 1:00 pm on the same day. That’s pretty cool.

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hip·po·pot·a·mus n. A notion, perhaps distinct from conventional wisdom, that needs to be verified by reality-based scrutiny.

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