alternative hippopotamus » Blog Archive » Wailing and Gnashing of Wedge Issues

Wailing and Gnashing of Wedge Issues

by AltHippo @ 12:42 pm. Filed under Bush

I’m sure we’ll return to this Washington Post article in the not-to-distant future. The gist is that the 2006 midterms are looking tough for the GOP faithful. You know what they say: you reap as you sow.

The current republican oligarchy has been bent on destroying much of what I hold dear about the US of A. Our stewardship of the planet, for instance, versus the GOP obsession with raping every bit of the earth’s surface so that their campaign donors can spend a few more days being one with nature at St. Andrews gold course. Or, keeping the wages down, through a fixed minimum wage, and facilitated off-shoring, so that the rich and mighty can remain rich and mighty. Or, destroying any goodwill we had overseas. Amazingly, in 5 years the world has gone from “Today We are All Americans” to seeing Americans as the personification of fat, dumb, and self-satisfied.

History will severely judge this administration, this legislature, and this court. And you know what? You guys deserve it.

So, I’m not sure why I’m giving you this helpful advice. Yes, advice that could help the GOP take the 2006 elections:

Enough with the gay bashing. It makes you out as bigots. You could win a lot more friends by making your watchwords: treat others with respect.
Show your president (mine is Al Gore, the one who actually got elected) a little tough love. Start by making him study grammar and pronunciation of the American English language. He can give up an hour of his nap time, I’m pretty sure. Next, make him put a dollar into a coffee can for every time he uses a bogus strawman construction like: “Some critics say we should celebrate the diversity of terrorists through a national day of bible burning and abortion in our public elementary schools.” Before you know it, you’ll have cut the deficit in half.
Separation of church and state is a done deal. Get over it. Enough with the creationism, Moses statues, speaking in tongues, snake handling, and rapture index crowd. While you’re at it, have Pat Robertson committed to an appropriate home for the insane.
That mantra you like to use about the “party of limited government”? It isn’t fooling anyone.
The rampant cronyism isn’t helping you guys, either. You might as well put “In the old boys network we trust” on the $1 bill.

Those are just some initial thoughts. Note, however, that none of these are contrary to conservative principles. You could actually win elections, and be consistent with your core values. If things get tough this campaign season, thank your lucky stars that your key political enemies are Democrats.

And don’t forget to have fun.

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95. Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.)
— Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary

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March 20, 2006

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