alternative hippopotamus

progressive cyberdadaism from our nation’s capital

January 28, 2006

I Too, Want to Be Rich and Famous

by AltHippo @ 3:42 pm. Filed under Uncategorized

I’ve seen some analysis concerning Ann Coulter’s recent death threats. After some thought, I realized I needed to defend her remarks.

As commenters on the HuffPo thread pointed out, this is Ann’s way of getting attention. It’s kind of like the kid in first grade who would eat paste just to draw a crowd. Even if people said that it was gross and disgusting, they would still sit there and watch, so there was no way I was going to stop. I mean, that kid who ate paste in first grade.

Now, imagine if talk shows would book you to eat paste. Bill O’Reilly would say that the problem is the Democrats who want to ban paste eating in our public schools. Sean Hannity would say that the way you eat paste inspires him, and Colmes would, according to script, agree.

Then you could grow rich writing books like: “How to Eat Paste in Front of a Liberal, If You Must.”

Before you know it, you’d be making a lot of cash. Unlike the Hippies you so despise, working for minimum wage in coffee shops, you’d be hobnobbing with intellectual elites like Jonah Goldberg or Michelle Malkin. Just for eating paste.

Some of you may point out that making death threats to a Supreme Court judge is more serious than eating paste. Fair enough. Now that I think about it, poisoning a judge is like a class AA felony, while eating paste is relatively harmless.

So, that was probably a bad analogy.

As I’ve pointed out in the past, I happened to go to school with Ann. She’s not a pleasant person. In fact, there’s a story that all the trees on the Cornell campus were destroyed by Dutch Elm disease. Not so. The truth is that that’s the reaction that Ann produces in all organic matter. I hear that botanical gardens across the country pay Ann hundreds of thousands of dollars, on the condition she stays away. What I’m saying is that she’s got two things going for her: 1.) she’s nasty, and 2.) she’s vicious.

Yet, I too, want to become rich and famous. And if I can do that by making outrageous remarks, so be it. The problem is that I would prefer to stop short of actually issuing fatwas. It’s just my style.

So, here’s the best I’ve come up with so far: “Someone should put creme brulee in Ann Coulter’s poison.”

Yeah, I know, it needs some work.

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hip·po·pot·a·mus n. A notion, perhaps distinct from conventional wisdom, that needs to be verified by reality-based scrutiny.

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95. Cogito cogito ergo cogito sum (I think that I think, therefore I think that I am.)
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