alternative hippopotamus

progressive cyberdadaism from our nation’s capital

September 22, 2005

Priorities

by kim @ 11:45 am. Filed under Uncategorized

FROM: W
TO: FBI Field Officers
CC: Attourney General Gonzales
BCC: James Dobson

Howdy. Sorry I haven’t written to you fine men in the FBI for a while, but I was distracted with saving New Orleans and purifying the Supreme Court.

Today, I want to spend a word or two thanking you for fighting and winnning the War on Terror. As I recently said to someone: “You’re doing a heck of a job.”

As Hurrican Katrina recently reminded us, we were attacked by Iraqi extremists on September 11. That was 5 years ago. Or 4, depending on how you count.

Five (or four) years ago is a long time. I think we can safely say that this was largely a Clinton-era problem, and that problem’s been solved. Our long national nightmare of Monica Lewinsky is now over. As we say in Texas. “Read my lips, no more Clinton.”

So, it’s time we moved onto greener astroturf. As you know, I’m a big believer in Judeo-Christianity, but never really spent much time on the Judeo part. So, it really jingled my spurs when I read this in my favorite book, the Bible:

  1. “You shall have no other gods before me.” That means: tax cuts stimulate the economy.
  2. “You shall not take the name of the LORD your God in vain.” That could mean anything, let’s just move on.
  3. “Observe the sabbath day.” That’s pretty clear. I’ll just tack on “in Crawford” at the end.
  4. “Honor your father and your mother, as the LORD your God commanded you; that your days may be prolonged.” That means if your dad is president, some day you may be, too.
  5. “You shall not kill.” By that he means, of course, unless you’ve got a good reason.
  6. “Neither shall you commit adultery.” To which I say, “Monica Lewinsky”. I guess I said a mouthful there already, heh, heh.
  7. “Neither shall you steal.” Meaning, we still got a lot of tax-cutting to do.
  8. “Neither shall you bear false witness against your neighbor.” Could mean anything, let’s move on.
  9. “Neither shall you covet your neighbor’s wife.” This one sounds important. I’ll come back to it in a minute.
  10. “and you shall not desire your neighbor’s house, his field, or his manservant, or his maidservant, his ox, or his ass, or anything that is your neighbor’s.”

Obviously, that last one is wrong. It’s wrong because coveting things is what we call being an owner. But nine out of ten is good work. That’s like an A-. But, coveting people is wrong. It’s what animals, evil doers and liberals do. These three form the Axis of Coveting. And when two people covet each other, that is the worst of all.

That’s why I’m announcing my War on Coveting. I am requesting Attourney General Gonzales to order you worker bees to round up all the evidence of coveting. And bring it straight to me, where I’ll make war on it. Coveting can run, but it can’t hide.

Y’all come back now ya hear,
W

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hip·po·pot·a·mus n. A notion, perhaps distinct from conventional wisdom, that needs to be verified by reality-based scrutiny.

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